Closure

This is the thing. And the thing is this. I haven't written for well over a year. I don't expect to write much more on this blog. But for awhile now I have been contemplating printing this blog before deleting it. I had fun blogging. I miss blogging a bit and connecting with others virtually. More than ever now since the only connecting I get lately is with a 12 year old dog and a 5 month old. But before signing out forever I needed closure. An ending chapter if you will. I will have to start with why I stopped blogging. So we must go back to October of 2009.

Neil and I were anticipating all sorts of changes. Very exciting changes. Life changing changes. Neil was graduating soon and had a fabulous job offer which would allow us to live exactly where we wanted to. We were finally starting the process of looking for a home to purchase. We also were FINALLY ready to start our family. We found out I was expecting sometime in October. That is when I stopped blogging because I was so incredibly sick that I couldn't find the strength and heart to even be slightly comedic. We bought a few baby things to celebrate but kept it a secret. I thought we weren't allowed to tell people until I was through the first trimester in case we miscarried. Fast forward to November 16, 2009. I will never forget that day. Our first doctor appointment. Our first ultrasound. The first devastating news. I was 8.5 weeks along and there was no heartbeat. Complete shock. Doctor was so sorry but how did we want to get rid of it? I didn't know. She left us alone for a bit. I needed to get out of there. A lot of crying. I apologized to Neil a lot. Sobbing at 3 AM. Why did I lose the baby? November 18, 2009. I called in "sick" to work. It turns out a quick surgery removes it, my June baby. More tears. Tears EVERY SINGLE day for almost a year. A lot of questioning. Deep dark depression, anger, and bitterness.

This brings us to 2010. 2010 was quite the year. February of 2010 we found out I was expecting again. This time we bought nothing. Told our parents early on because we needed the support if we lost another baby. We did not talk about it. Too afraid. March 2010 a few days before our 3 year wedding anniversary we bought our first home. It was a big step but we had waited so long for it that we were thrilled. A few days later I had miscarriage symptoms. Not again, I sobbed. But it was okay. But then a week later I ended up visiting the hospital because I was going to miscarry. The baby still had a heartbeat but it didn't look good. The doctor had discovered I have a medical condition that makes conceiving and carrying babies difficult. I have faith in God but I also trust in medicine. But when my doctor said "you will probably miscarry. All we can do is pray." I was scared. I was on mandatory bed rest for 7 weeks. Lots of prayers, weekly doctor appointments and medicine saved my precious miracle.

In May we said goodbye to Logan and moved into our new home. It felt like home instantly. It wasn't strange. I thought I might miss Logan since it was home for awhile. But I haven't looked back. We almost instantly remodeled the master bathroom and worked on the yard and other small things.

In June we found out we were expecting a boy. No surprise to me. I had dreamed about him. I knew it was a boy. I still wondered and played the "what if" game about my June baby.

October 2010 brought my greatest accomplishment. My beautiful son. Even though a part of my heart died when my first baby died. He filled another part of my heart with such love and joy. He is such a sweet, mild and loving baby. He has truly brought healing to me. I am still in awe at what a miracle he is.

The end.